I'm introducing a bit of a ret-con and calling this a "COVID-19 Pandemic Journal." See the previous entry here. Read more about the point of this journal in the first post. And as usual, I'm putting in lots of amusing memes, so come for the memes, stay for the journal.
Wed. 8 April 2020
This week in my World Philosophy class we’re covering one of my favorite topics, but also one of the most difficult in this class: the Buddhist rejection of the reality of the self. In recent years I’ve noticed that students react more strongly against this idea, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gotten better or worse at teaching it, or if I’m just becoming more or less attuned to their reactions. This is an idea that’s inherently difficult to accept, so I like to think maybe I’m doing a better job of teaching it and noticing their responses (the fact that they often have similar responses as previous batches of students probably helps me be more attuned, too).
Anyway, the online format has exacerbated this, although I’m even less sure they’ve really understood the idea. In recent years I’ve noticed that students are having a harder time understanding difficult concepts, but again, I’m not sure if this represents their abilities to understand or my ability to notice. But my ability to notice is greatly diminished by the online format (one reason I think online teaching is usually not as good as in-person teaching, although there are exceptions, of course). Or rather, what I should say is that, while I could do more to engage in Socratic questioning to see if students really understand these concepts, the present conditions of the global pandemic and ill-prepared online teaching are not conducive to doing so. But, as Buddhists also say, all things are impermanent, so maybe this will improve.
Well, Bernie Sanders suspended his Presidential campaign just now. (Apparently that election that seemed to be consuming so much attention a month ago is still happening.) I’m too exhausted to say how I feel about this development, but I will say that this fact will be a big incentive for me to stay away from social media today. I probably spend too much time on social media, anyway.
The bi-annual Changing of the Shorts and Sweaters occurred this afternoon with much fanfare. This is an event in which my shorts and sweaters switch places between the closet in the bedroom and the closet in the spare room. The fanfare was mostly in my head, but this is typical. It has been summerlike the last few days. While we may be getting some cooler weather in the next week, it won’t be cool enough to warrant sweaters. I try to really enjoy this time in Chattanooga before it becomes Unbearably Humid for five months.
Thurs. 9 April 2020
Most of the time I feel … fine. Not good per se. But fine. And then I feel guilty for feeling fine.
Whether this is my basic personality type, the influence of Buddhist, Stoic, and skeptical philosophy, sheer luck of my life circumstances, denial, or some combination of these things, I can’t say. But I’m still not bored. I’m not really anxious unless I have to leave the house (and then it’s more of a prudent caution to avoid being too close to people). My real anxieties are about what happens in the next few months and years, but that’s more dread than anxiety.
I don’t like teaching online so suddenly, but what’re you gonna do? There’s no avoiding it. For now, I’m just doing my part by social distancing and staying home (which I am extremely lucky to be able to do, which makes me feel guilty, too). The feeling of doing my part mostly offsets how much I miss in-person interaction: I’ve just dialed up my introvert settings a bit, and I like chilling at home (liking this makes me feel guilty, too).
The pandemic has exacerbated the inequalities and cruelties of our economic and political systems and it’s horrible, but these cruelties were there all along for anyone who cared to notice. I’m still mad about them and trying in my own bumbling way to do something about them, but I’m not angry in any appreciably more anxiety-provoking way than before.
So, I’m… fine.
I feel shitty for feeling fine, and I recognize that most others (especially my poor students…) are not so lucky. But it’s where I’m at.
If I were a religious Buddhist I might dedicate the merit of my fineness to the benefit of all sentient beings. But I think I’m finding more tangible ways to do this: asking people how they’re doing, trying to be understanding of others, extending deadlines for my students, posting pictures of my cats on social media, sharing amusing memes, going easier on other people and myself … but above all I think right now I just want people to know that I care. This includes family and friends, of course, but also colleagues, neighbors, random strangers … but especially my students, many of whom are really struggling right now and whose lives I have some small power to influence. I’m not the most outwardly emotionally presenting person, but I think there are smaller, less overt ways to show that you care and that people matter.
I don’t believe that merit can be transferred in some sort of quasi-magical, metaphysical sense, but maybe these little things are doing it all the same.
Fri. 10 April 2020
Today I gave a guest lecture on Nāgārjuna over Zoom to Dr. Oren Hanner’s Buddhist philosophy class at UC-Berkeley. It went well. The students had some great questions. It was fun and really nice to do this especially now that all the in-person philosophy conferences and travel plans have been canceled.
The last week of class is always a bit melancholy, but here's what I wrote in my notes for my World Philosophy class next week:
World Philosophy is about learning from philosophical traditions around the world, which is valuable in two ways:
First, you learn about the world. There’s a big, wide world for you to learn about. And as we’ve all come to see in the last month with the spread of the Coronavirus, the world is far more connected than we think it is.
Second, you learn about yourself. Remember: As your philosophy professor, I don’t so much care what you think, I care how you think. Whatever you think about the wide range of philosophical topics we’ve considered, I’ve encouraged you to understand why you think what you think, to have reasons for your beliefs. We as humans are not perfectly rational, but I hope that philosophical thinking can help us to improve our critical thinking skills. We’re going to need them in the difficult times ahead. Take care.
Sun. 12 April 2020
Last night Saturday Night Live did a not-live show from the cast members’ homes. It was okay. There were the inevitable wacky Zoom meeting sketches and a pretty decent Weekend Update. My favorite was a cartoon short Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Latest updates: Worldwide – 1,797,512 cases, 110,075 deaths; US – 534,494 cases, 20,637 deaths. We’ve far surpassed other countries both in number of cases and number of deaths.
Mon. 13 April 2020
Monday the 13th! Way scarier than Friday if you ask me.
Yesterday afternoon was D&D over Zoom! Fun times.
We had some severe weather in the area last night. Other than the cats being slightly unnerved by the driving rain, we’re fine. Apparently others, especially a bit to the north of us, were not so lucky.
The President rejected a plan to bail out the US Post Office, and people are pissed. I love the idea that a plan to intentionally let the Post Office collapse could be the last straw for Americans putting up with the 40-year attack on our public institutions.
(Not that I necessarily believe this will happen. I just love the idea that it could happen.)
In a discussion board a student was complaining about online classes (which is typical: many students really hate this). I was commiserating with the student, and I had the following observation: with online classes it feels like we’re all working harder to accomplish less.
I’m not entirely sure what I meant by that, but it felt apt at the time. Give me some time to think about it.
We got an email notice about encouraging our students to do their course evaluations. Do I care? Should I care?
I was predisposed to care less about them this semester, anyway, since I’m in the middle of my tenure process. Assuming that rest of that pans out at planned, course evaluations will have a lot less impact on my life going forward.
There’s also the fact that course evaluations are beset by all sorts of difficulties: biases against women and people of color (which I admit actually benefit me, but undeservedly so, which undermines the value of the whole process for me, too), they carry way too much weight in tenure and promotion decisions, the fact that you are literally asking people who don’t know anything about teaching to evaluate your teaching, etc.
So do I care about course evaluations in the middle of a pandemic? Do I want to encourage my students, who are worrying about a million other things right now, to complete them? I’m not sure, but I’m feeling doubtful.
We are all learning new things about ourselves these days. For example: This afternoon I learned that it takes more than a global pandemic to keep me from buying discount Easter candy at Walgreens.
(I wore one of Beth’s homemade masks at the store, which was weird but not as weird as I thought it might be. It’s a bit tight, but it does the job for now.)
Tues. 14 April 2020
A friend’s post on social media reminded me of this: A couple weeks ago I took two Mega-Stuff Oreos apart and squished them together to make a Double Mega-Stuff Oreo. Hubris was not only approached, I sped right past it.
This is the last week of class. Technically we have class next Monday, next Tuesday is a study day, and finals start next Wednesday. Weird, I know. This really confused me my first year at UTC, since most normal colleges start finals week on a Monday in a way that, you know, makes sense.
Anyway, today and tomorrow was supposed to be Research Dialogues, an interdisciplinary conference on campus for students and faculty. I wasn’t presenting myself this year, but we had put together a panel for Philosophy & Religion students. Oh, well.
Then this weekend I was supposed to go to Salt Lake City for the History of Philosophy Society conference. A colleague had asked if I could do a paper on Buddhist concepts of impermanence. I guess it was the idea of the conference itself that was impermanent.
Hopefully I’ll get to Salt Lake City one of these days. I’ve changed planes there a few times and it was beautiful, but I’ve never had a chance to visit for real.
It feels weird to be ending “class” and starting “finals week” when the only thing changing is that after this week I’m not introducing any new material and I’m getting ready to grade final projects. But I will still be sitting here in my makeshift home office meddling with Canvas and sending emails.
I guess I’ll still get something like the little lull I get between the end of class and all the final projects coming in, but it’s really not going to be the same.
I’ve been telling the students and myself that right now I’m just trying to get everyone through the end of the semester. I’m afraid a few of them may get lost in the shuffle if they haven’t already. I’m also kind of wondering what will happen for me: how much will I finally have to deal with once the challenges of suddenly finishing a semester online are through?
As the Buddhists always say, all things are impermanent. So, I guess we’ll see.
We just got notice from the Provost that due to the severe weather on Sunday classes are canceled the rest of this week, all assignment deadlines should be shifted to next week, and finals week will be shifted a little later. This seems like the right move, but I have to admit I’m not quite sure what this means for me since my classes are totally asynchronous and I haven’t been enforcing any deadlines, anyway.
This has to be the record for the most times I’ve changed my course syllabi in one semester. So that’s… something.
A pre-nap thought abstracting from the fact that I’m not enforcing any assignment deadlines for my students: How many people are realizing that almost everything our society is built on is imaginary? Money, how we organize work, how we distribute essential things like healthcare, education, transportation, mail, etc., the value of busyness and business, and yes, school deadlines. It’s all just made up.
No, really. There’s nothing necessary about any of it. We can change it. We don’t have to go back to “normal.” The only thing that really matters is human well-being and how we take care of each other. I feel like a lot of us have suspected this for a long time (these things are at best what Buddhists call “conventional truths”), but it’s harder to ignore in the midst of a global pandemic. I like to imagine this romantic idea that the veil may be lifted and society transformed, but I suspect that veil is heavier than it looks. And it is being held down by some powerful hands.
Wed. 15 April 2020
Latest: Over two million cases and almost 135,000 deaths worldwide; in the US: about 644,000 cases and 28,000 deaths.
Today is tax day. Or, it was before the IRS extended it. We got our stimulus money today. Should I save it? Give it to charity? Buy stuff to stimulate the economy? I feel like an asshole because there are a lot of people who need that money a lot more than I do.
The fact that I’m definitely a member of a relatively privileged class is also become more obvious these days, given the fact that I can work from home and have a relatively secure job. I want to try to find ways to use this privilege for the greater good, but I’m not always sure how to do that. I’m not at all asking people to feel sorry for me (“Oh, boo-hoo, I’m privileged!”). But it’s where I’m at. On the other hand, last night I saw on Twitter that a tenure-track faculty member was laid off from one university…
On a brighter note: Today is also our cat Ruby’s birthday! Or, it’s her birthday (observed). We don’t know exactly when she was born. But she’s seven sometime around this month. I remember picking her up from the human society satellite location at mall in Tucson like it was yesterday. She was an adorable tiny kitten. Now she’s an adorable lanky adult cat who still sometimes acts like a kitten. Happy birthday, Ruby!
 |
| Happy birthday, Ruby Custers! |
Thurs. 16 April 2020
One weird thing: I’ve been playing more D&D lately than in a really long time. I have a weekly Wednesday night game with friends in Minnesota (technically it’s Pathfinder, but basically it’s D&D). This one happens with a combination of Google Hangouts and Roll20 (a program that lets you share maps, character sheets, and even online die rolls). Most of this group (including me) also did this a couple years ago, so we had practice playing remotely.
I have another intermittent 5th edition D&D game with friends here in Chattanooga that has happened twice in the last month (usually this group is lucky to play twice in six months). This is totally over Zoom with paper character sheets and real dice.
None of this is the same as playing in person, of course. Playing online can be a little draining, while playing in person is recharging (this has to do with the technology, not my friends, whom I enjoy seeing). But, still, it’s been fun to be playing D&D so much in whatever capacity.
For the last few years I have been volunteering at D&D for teens at the public library. Usually I run a little adventure or sometimes I play another adult’s game and help the kids who are new to the game. That has all been canceled, since the library isn’t open for patrons at the moment.
The kids who show up for that tend to be on the younger side (preteens to about 15 or 16), so most of them are before the age of cynical detachment that happens around 17 or 18 and persists into the years when I see my traditional-age college students. It’s fun (and sometimes a little exhausting) to be around the kids’ energy. I also like trying to be a decent presence in the lives of young nerdy types who may be experiencing some of the trauma I experienced around that age. I hope I see some of those kids again whenever this is over.
My students have taken the “canceled” classes this week to heart, and they haven’t been turning in much of their work yesterday or today. Good for them. They probably need a little break. And those who were affected by the weather need time to catch up.
I might use the time to relax a bit. Maybe I’ll do a little work on an article due May 1 on science fiction and non-Western philosophy. That’s for a volume on critical concepts in cross-cultural philosophy. I’m excited to be part of the project and to write something on a subject near and dear to my heart. But I’m a bit daunted about where to start or what to include in a 2,500 word article. I’ll figure it out. I usually do somehow.
An odd thought: today was supposed to be my last day of classes for Spring 2020. Instead, we have switched to online instruction in the midst of a global pandemic, and “class” is “canceled” today due to severe thunderstorms and tornadoes in the area on Easter Sunday. This is not at all how I pictured this day when I made my syllabi schedules a few months ago.
Fri. 17 April 2020
It’s Friday! Whatever that means.
Actually, I’ve been trying to be good about taking weekends off during the pandemic. It seems like an indulgence I should take for the sake of mental health, one I realize I'm lucky to be able to take. Pre-pandemic, I usually managed to at least take Saturday off most of the time. In grad school I fastidiously started the practice of giving myself either Friday evening or Saturday evening off no matter how busy I got. The workaholism of academia is counter-productive: if you try to work all the time you get less done. It’s also just bad for you.
The conservative stereotype of lazy academics trying to pull one over on the taxpayers is super bizarre (if you work at a state school in a state with a Republican legislature, you might know what I mean). You’ll rarely meet a more miserable group of workaholics than academics. Unlike other workaholic sectors of society (lawyers, medical professionals, etc.), we don’t even get paid much by comparison. Just ask us about it when we respond to your email at 10pm on a Friday.
I’ve tried to maintain a decent “work-life balance,” which is aided by not having much of a life and extremely enhanced by having cats instead of kids. In a pandemic, I’m trying to go even easier on myself. So, this strange thing called a full weekend it is!
This weekend I’m reading a book I’m loving so far: Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky. There’s a space expedition with a classicist on board and other very cool stuff (severe arachnophobes may want to steer clear of this one, though). That, and sitting on the porch with some of the liquor I got from curb-side pick-up today, seems like a grand plan for a weekend relaxing as a coping mechanism to hold back the brimming tide of thinking too much about world events.
No comments:
Post a Comment